(I like to smile and its been more genuine lately:)

God is forever changing my life.  I am learning so many things…that perhaps I have never fully internalized.  The past three weeks specifically, and its started with this bible study I am doing-40 Days in the Word (Many of you know I am not a fan of Rick Warren…but I think God is using this Bible Study to Drive A Deeper, intimacy and knowledge with God) and a leadership class I am taking.  Here are some;

1) Through Reflecting on scripture, I am learning; God desires greatly to know our hearts, our needs…and without Him, Who he sent as his son, Christ, We cant do it.  I cant do it…

2) He provides.  He has proven this through my finances…My needs.  they are All provided.

3) He cares about our DESIRES!!!!! I am going to give you four real life reasons I believe this;

1) Through leadership essentials, I am given the oppritunity to learn/do sound and be a sound tech for the class (so I dont      have to pay anything)…and I absolutely LOVE IT!!!! I love learning about it, I love doing while learning leadership, I love being given that challenge to serve in that area.  I swear, my next is to be a DJ.  You just watch;)

2) Though a series of events, God is giving me the oppritunity to be a Barista at a Local, Free Trade coffee shop here in Grand Rapids!!! Booyah, I am so stoaked.  Maybe, someday I will run my own coffee shop…and I can already steam milk like a flipping pro…Not Lying!

3) God has been nudging me to get involved with the homeless population here in Grand Rapids again.  A friend who facilitates 40 days in the word (at my table), just got involved with her ministry -The Landing- and repeated “God kept nudging me and finally I had to say Yes”

–I’ve been feeling this way for a few months.  I have the time, I work closer to home now, and since my job is less emotionally/physically demanding than my last one, I really believe now is the time.  So I emailed a friend from Degage (I helped him with organization, files, ID’s at one point) To see if he wants me back.

4) friendships are so amazing lately.  I cant be thankful enough.  In so many ways.

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–All of this to say, I just wanted (and challenged in ways) to share a testimony of what God is doing in me…though His Word, His promises, His People and body.  The Journey has not been easy in the least, but good.

–I hope this is encouraging to you.  The End.

But there is something bothering me this whole week.  Something my mind has been fixed on…something I wonder.

Why dont we know the rest of the story?

Jesus (and, btw, I hate how I specifically make the name Jesus out to be this meek, mild dude walking around…When in spanish culture, the name is very common)…Felt.  He was betrayed by Judas…He was sent to be killed…murdered, mutilated on a device used for execution (the cross).  The crowds chose him over a mad man (Barabas)…and I wonder how that felt. I wonder how that played on his mind.

In the Garden of Gethsemane, he was so stressed…blood drew from his head.  I have been stressed before, I have felt like my brain was going to short circuit at some points, Ive cried, yelled…wanted to curl up in a ball and retreat….but have never drew sweats of blood.  He asked his Dad to take the cup…He showed fear.  If there was any other way…

There Wasn’t.  Jesus was obedient.  He carried his own death pardon…His Cross.  ((For we did not know what we did….))

The moment before his death…He took it all;

Guilt, shame, lying, adultary, sexual desires, pride, lust, envy, gluttony, strife, bitterness, un-forgiveness…We sing about it in church…we reflect on the nails going through his hands and feet…the crown on his head, the cross used for capital punishment, the thieves on either sides.  One asking for forgiveness, the other mocking.

(((Forgive them father)))

But really…think about it.  What am I trying to say?

-How does sin, my personal sin affect me?       -How does my personal sin affect others?

-How do my friends sins, personal choices affect me?  -How does the choices of media affect me?  My heart has broken for both my personal choices of sin and for others.

—-How would a Whole World of sin…past, present and future affect me?  Who would I be? 

(((My God, My God…why have you forsaken me???)))

As the world turns black for one minute, and all that Jesus sees is…me.  You. My enemy…and in that, the murmured words…

                                                                          –It is finished—

Was he even in his right mind as he felt something so much deeper than physical pain?? Did he miss the fact that he was on his cross, something that all of time will now use as a symbol of Gods love for us?  (that they even killed Gods disciples on a upside down cross???)  Would he have just hung there…lived longer if it wernt for all of the sins he experienced…and the pain that brought to Jesus in His Never ending LOVE to us?  His Dad had to look away, because He knew the pain.

—The Pain is deeper than I will ever know—

My personal thoughts for the day.

1) Tim Tebow is not the team.  The Denver Broncos are the team…Once the public focuses to one person-The whole team begins to fail.

2) Tebow donates to good causes…OF COURSE HE DOES!!!! Let it be known that Ndamukong Suh does to…infact, he is one of the most charitable athletes in the NFL.  (http://www.foxnews.com/sports/2011/12/24/detroit-lions-defensive-tackle-ndamukong-suh-named-most-charitable-athlete/ )….just because Suh lost his temper to their rivals, does not mean Suh is evil.  And beyond that the “bad boys of the NFL” are one of the most charitable team in the league.

3) Tebow Tebowes….seriously?  so others “tebow”…..It is not bowing or praying, but tebowing.

4) Tebow prays….OF COURSE….Emmit Smith, Tom Landry, Dan Reeves,Tony Dungy and others are all Christian Players.  In fact there is the Fellowship of Christian athletes…if you would like to look into it.There is also a time after the game where the players pray together if they wish….huh….

5) Is Tebow being idolized??

6) Tebow wins, we LOVE HIM!!! Tebow Looses, well we dont:(

Maybe he ran 316 yards for a reason…maybe he is sent to save the world of football…maybe he isnt.

—-Maybe I am wrong…but I have a opinion, as we all do.  Now, at least, you know my reasons. He is a good role model, but so are many others in the NFL. So maybe what I don’t like about Tebow is that fact that he is being raised to a standard or level higher than others…and maybe I am wrong.  I could be, I have been before….

The end.

“Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God.  Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.  For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is yourlife, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.

  Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry.  Because of these, the wrath of God is coming. You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived.  But now you must also rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips.  Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices  and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator.  Here there is no Gentile or Jew, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave or free, but Christ is all, and is in all.

  Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.  Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.  And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

  Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him”

Humble -  to lower in condition, importance, or dignity; abase.  –to destroy the independence, power, or will of.–to make meek: to humble one’s heart.

This is my theme verse.  God has showed such goodness, how this life is sup post to be….In response, I try to desire, act and live in justice by acting on injustice…to LOVE mercy.  To love those who need a shoulder, need a babysitter that can’t pay otherwise, to offer a drink or a ear…To Walk with God…to learn his ways, his paths, his shortcuts…

But…there is more to this verse that challenges me to this day.

It doesn’t say to Simply walk….It intructs us to Walk HUMBLY….

To give ourselves to God and His will.  To trust God has a plan for the greater Good and Not our plan for the greater good.  To pray before I act.  To listen to Gods voice and NOT my own.  To question injustice, unequal rights, to question the system in a humbleness and not in an attitude that I can fix it…because I can’t!

The reason why I have struggled with Gods plan is because I have not walked in humbleness with Him.  I would rather “know” my own way of thinking makes more sense.  That I > God…even if I don’t admit this…This…is

PRIDE– to indulge or plume (oneself) in a feeling of pride (usually followed by on  or upon ): She prides herself on her tennis.

To walk with answers that I never had, to suggest ways to better a system or program..when I didn’t know of those ways.  To ask questions yet never expecting a answer…because it is not the right answer.

And I am willing to Go so far as to say…This is one reason why I have struggled in my faith, and have wanted to go another way. I am also willing to suggest that I am not alone. To stand up…to say I don’t trust God IN my questioning (because it is ok to question), I don’t care about the answers…is a pride I have been praying about.  Trying to swallow.

Because, God asks…beckons, pleads with us to Walk Humbly in Him.  He is a God of justice, Mercy and Grace.  He desires this for Our Lives, even when its tough.

God > i. help me continually swallow my pride.  please.Amen.

I asked for the gift of letting Go….And God has given me that gift.

It did not come without confrontation…It did not come easy, as I was looking for a answer in my spirit. And yet, I got a different one.

When all of this time, all I realized I was looking for (acceptance, people to believe in me, even a “ok” To Go and ”explore”) was already there.  It was already there. And I chose to ignore it.

So, now, with this freedom-The things I need to also be free from are lurking.  Are the answers there?  How high up the ladder do I trudge with this?? how much is God really beckoning me to let Go this season??? How much am I trusting Him??? reallly?

To Experience Him in all of His fullness??

To know what He wants and desires for me?

And then, how to pratically apply this to my life???? everyday? To know what I should or should not take responsibility for? How much help I am offering is too much? Or not enough?  what do I need to put my energy in and what do I need to let go of???  How do I know when enough is enough…????

I want to reach the sky…I want to experience God in Full form, because the GLORY OF GOD IS MAN FULLY ALIVE (Saint Inenaeus), I want to climb…But I need To Know God will climb With Me.  To Let Go.  

Hi:)

Im here;)

God is continually working more…and more, and more into my heart. 

What is He saying?

—Give Up—

Please, kiddo…Give up your struggles, (And everyone has them, dont forget;) give up your doubts, give your mind up to me.  Please…You dont have to worry.  I know you do, but trust me…You Don’t!

-Your Dad, Elohim.

My biggest struggles can be my demise or a part of my testimony.  My biggest defeats, God wants to create into a beautiful, crazy mozaic mixed with dark and beautiful colors.  Greys and pinks, blacks and Yellows, death and New Life…And new life Is what God has specifically NAMED me…He Chose this path for me. 

I am listening and I know why I didnt get into Western….and I am praying, and God has a Plan for me.  He is revealing His heart…in my tripped up, crazy mess of what the world offers, He is in the midsts beckoning to breathe into me New Life…Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Gentleness and Self control..and these are nothing I have within me…or you BUT in Him.  He wasnt…desires my Hands to be relinquished, and for me to LOVE more.  Love His people and instilling peace into me that HE HAS GOT IT. 

I dont have it together.  He Does.

This Christmas, I ask for a gift of Giving Up.  That I learn this…That this becomes apart of me.  That the doubting stops…and HE IS.

-Love you, I will begin to update more…I promise. 

April

Hello….

I have been struggling.  The passion refestered and with this, unanswered questions…again, again, and again

A woman verbally reprimanded on the other side of the overpass today…for not getting money for panhandling.  Sitting helpless…knowing this could be a deadly situation.  They dont take food…Just money for Alcohol.  Her Steps are Broken.

A man in his stupor fell in the middle of Division…We carried him to the sidewalk, unconcious.  A man offered a shirt off his back for the person infront of him…how was throwing fits of slight siezures.   When he came to, He told the cops to just shoot…so his life would be over. His steps are broken. 

Then a life not worth leading.  None of us are qualified, but we are all chosen.  To ask for boundries…to also offer the help.  To allow our hearts to beat…to offer new lives a chance. 

—-Then the alcohol, that has been on my mind lately.  because most of these homeless are addicts…which mostly involve alcohol…or shooting up, or a black and blue eye…and yet…I know many who drink and drink and drink and they are fine.  and Leaders.  In Churches. Every weekend and so the cycle goes.

And I am not saying Drinking is bad…but why must we perpectuate a life style many die from?  or promisquity?  The crucifixion won art prize, but why??? was it the right thing to vote for?

-and Let me be honest, I am NOT without sin so I struggle.  God LOVES US where we are AT…..He LOVES US WHERE WE ARE AT…

But doesnt he inspire US….Leaders and addicts alike to Change?  To want to Change because of What He has done for us?  Are we acually MORE inlove with being a Leader, or a social Justice advocate that we throw out our inner selves, the selves that God has dwelled in and think Good is God… Or how..HOW can we look at someone, roll our eyes and claim crazy  when we are all, just the same???? 

We are all Broken Steps.  Dont settle, risk the fall…Social Justice is God…and God inspires this Change.  Change for others and ourselves.–

He is begining to use words.

I feel blessed beyond Blessed.  I may have actually found a passion I can stick with? (whispering into the air)

My Feet are dancing. My heart is curious at least…

My Friend is Sober…And Will stay that way, this I trust.

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I have been Working Too Much.  Although the Money Entices Me. The Crankiness is a teetertotter…

My Questions Are too much to find a answer, The Reality of this World is all too much.

There is evil in this world…in Men who slaughter kids and rape women, across the world…For they were raised to do the same (Child Soldiers)

There is a man who decapitated His Son Who has disabilities…Cerebral Palsey and Some others…because He didnt have LOVE in his heart.

People sell…kids as young as 6…7…or 8 for the trade…and Men who sleep with these kids.  Over…and Over and Over.

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Question; How Is God (Who Is Love)….Enduring The Beauty with The Calloused…Evil cold Hearts?  How Does He see the Good with The Bad?

And So my heart is Broken.  These past two weeks, I know two people who have confided of sexual abuse growing up or a attempted rape.  WOODTV reported 3 news stories, all one after another of rape-Sexual abuse-and the murder of a infant after what she endured.  And I want to have the statistics with me but I dont, and and and….

I cant imagine being raped 16 times a day.  Being controlled, pried from my family…I cant imagine not knowing the city I live in…the men who offer money to have sex with me as a minor…And why do you do this? and why are there people who can fathom?  and is this really the power, money and gain one wants when I realize now prostitution really isnt a choice? and how old was Rahab?  Do we have the story wrong?

And why…is child pornography the BIGGEST growing industry? isnt it illegal?  Shouldnt it make one SICK?  And It happens everywhere, not in a certain area…everywhere.  Reported or unreported…and then the drugs.

And, I just dont get how this cannot make one sick and if only to be aware.  And watching.  And The laws are changing to lock down these Pimps and Johns but is it quick enough?  Are the laws percice enough?  Are we sweeping it somewhere unseen?

Does it happen?

Sex Crimes make me cringe.  I wont let this depress me enough to do nothing…I will let it infuriate me enough to DO SOMETHING.